Episode 26: Introducing the All-New Throat-Punch Thursday Format Where AJ and Hillary Rant about the Health and Wellness Stuff that Drives Them Bat-Shit Bananas

throat-punch thursday with lil Hillary and lil AJ
Pretend the theme from “Charlie’s Angels” plays whenever you see this graphic.

That’s right, girls and boys! We’re now coming at ya with more vitriol! At least 137% more exclamation points! And (somehow) like 200% more profanity and sarcasm! We didn’t think it was possible either!

*gently sets down the coffee pot and quickly chews a CBD gummy before continuing*

Anyhoo, so for this episode, AJ and Hillary are doing something a little different, which you probably picked up on with the extra long title THAT IS NOT AT ALL MEANT TO MAXIMIZE SEO POTENTIAL OH CRUEL GOOGLE GODS WHY WON’T YOU SMILE ON US???

At any rate, in this here episode, AJ and Hillary lament the things about health and wellness that make them want to brain themselves with a kettlebell.  

  • AJ’s First Rant: Fuck You, Abs — AJ could do planks until she became a literal piece of wood and drop her body-fat percentage below her shoe size. But since her genetic makeup went, “nah, hard pass,” it’s unlikely six-pack abs are in her future. However, after two sets of bicep curls, boom! Instant muscle definition. Genes are funny, huh?! Hahahahahaha! Fuckers. 
  • Hillary’s First Rant: Putting the “Whore” in Hormones — Hillary just looooooves how her menstrual cycle affects how much weight she can lift. Because it’s awesome to be making them sweet gainz at the gym, only to have her hormones go, “you know what? We’re going to make you weaker, not stronger, just for this week, just to fuck up your life and make you wonder if any of this is worth it.” It’s. So. Much. Fun. 
  • AJ’s Second Rant: Men’s Health Mags = Useful, Women’s? No. — Are all magazines just a vehicle for companies to try to sell us shit we probably don’t need? Yes. Do we all get that? Mostly. But how about providing actual useful information while you’re at it? Why do men’s health and fitness mags offer actually useful workouts and scientific information, while women’s continue to say shit like “dOn’T lIfT mOaR tHaN 2 pOuNdS aT a TiMe Or U’lL gEt BuLkY!!!”
  • Hillary’s Second Rant: “OMG Eat 1,000 Grams of Protein Immediately After You Workout, Or You’ll Never Gain an Ounce of Muscle Your Whole Life, and You’ll Probably Die” — Man, we really gotta stop giving away the whole rant in the subhead. Anyway, for years, Hillary heard you had like a 30-second window after you finished picking up the heavy stuff and putting it back down where you had to cram protein into your pie hole or your whole workout was for naught. Yeah, turns out, sure, protein’s important. But you’ve got a hot minute or two — or like 24 hours — to consume it. All those years immediately chugging disgusting powdery chemical crap when she could have taken her sweet time … to drink the disgusting powdery chemical crap. *sigh*

What about you? What really grinds your gears about health and fitness and wellness? Rant away in the comments!

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